How can I still believe in that God, the God my mind created, the God I think I knew?
How can I still believe in that God, who would have knowingly allowed this to happen?
How can I still believe in that God, who could justify this as punishment for sins in previous lives?
How can I still believe in that God, who loves all but would let the defenseless be violated this way?
How can I still believe in that God, who champions the truth but also allows such monsters to be created?

The above probably reads haphazard and chaotic. I am certainly no poet, and it is certainly not intended as a poem (and neither it looks to be so). It is just a reflection of the raw feelings I had when I happened to run across this news today on cnn.com

Nowadays, I seem as if I run into this kind of news often. Every time, I feel sick inside, my heart feels as it is squeezed hard, my stomach retches and turns, and anger mounts inside, and my eyes cloud. I want a cure, a solution, which will fix this for good. I want to complain to someone powerful – a Don, a Dada, no a God who will make sure this doesn’t happen again – especially to the young. The God, most of us believe in from when we were young. The God society has created. The God who will make sure bad things don’t happen if you are good.

I used to ask why would that God, the one we all think we know, allow this to happen to the young and the defenseless? No justification seems possible and would be satisfactory. Even if that God supposedly will make sure the Truth eventually prevails – what’s the freaking point after all these kinds of atrocities?

Bad, horrible, unimaginable horrific things happen daily to many many people – the strong, the weak, the old, and the young. Yes – especially those little, sweet young ones. We all know this. Most of the time it is like the sound of distant gunfire, or a war in a far away land killing people we don’t know and hence it doesn’t matter as much. However, when it happens to the young ones, it is suddenly very near, very real with the horror of it all very clear. It affects me most and makes me feel weak, hopeless and in despair. I am ashamed, very perplexed, and very appalled as to how devolved humans are.

(PS: I still sort of believe in a God now. Just not the one I inherited, not the one I further developed in my mind, and believed in for many many years. I am not talking about specific religions or switching religions. But the kind of the God that seems to make a teeny weeny sense now is ironically, the true God that the religions always spoke about. But I am not sure He offers instant, permanent solution for the above either. There is no God who will do what I want here. So I feel like throwing up my hand and asking – what’s the freaking point?)

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